I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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