Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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