nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
My bed smells like the plague
Randomize
