Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Randomize
