when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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