please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
