yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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