She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
