so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
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