im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
