My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
