Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
