So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
