were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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