After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
