I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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