I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
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