Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
And then he peed in my hair
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