There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
