she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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