it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
