You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
