It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
