I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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