I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
