Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
