I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
