I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
