dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
