Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Randomize
