so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
