not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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