Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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