You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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