You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
