Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
honey bunches of taint.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
