winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
