I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
