Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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