Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
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