Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
