Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
