we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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