I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
