All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
