I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
