Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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