i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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