In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
