just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize