I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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