Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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