Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
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