I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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