I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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