my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
