listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
