On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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