Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize