and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
