Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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