I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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