Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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